retirement sories

Retirement Party Jokes.

Invitations to join in and laugh with the retiree!

Planning retirement party jokes? Just remember, the retirement party can be an emotional experience for the retiree.

However, to lighten the atmosphere - the retiree, or a colleague - may include some appropriate retirement party jokes in the retirement speech, or you may place them into a retirement card for one of your colleagues.

I'd love to think that these are my own - but I've picked them up through the years - especially given my work with Toastmasters. So, I've attributed what I can - but I hope you enjoy them enough not to mind!

Let's start with Eight one-liners to work into your funny retirement speech:
The good news is that I'm only going to make one retirement speech, and this is it
Active socially: Drinks heavily

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law

Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee

Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money

Retirement jokes pertaining to the profession of the retiree
Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance

Bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest

Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive

Looking Good
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
I would like my grandchildren to say- he was successful in business, declared the first man.
Fifty years from now, said the second, I want them to say, he was a loyal family man.
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, so what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?
The third man replied. I want them all to say, he certainly looks good for his age!

Great News
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff miss him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same" "We will always remember you" etc. Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know.

Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."

Good old Albert
Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

How to live to be 80
Following my annual medical my Doctor said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-q ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?",

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"

Many a true word spoken in jest
A boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of a retired husband!" The mother frowns and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Retirement Jobs
The wife came home excited and told her husband, "I've found this great job - good salary, free health insurance, paid holidays, and a four week vacation."

He said, "That's wonderful, darling."

She said, "I knew you would be pleased - you start Monday."

Retirement Job Competition
Two active retired engineers applied for a part time retirement job at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a ten-question test. At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager's office.

"I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?" asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "The other gentleman answered Question #5, 'I don't know.' Your answer to Question #5 was, 'Neither do I.'"

Some Random Quotes
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. E.E. Cummings

Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough. William Saroyan

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything. Kurt Vonnegut

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering--and it's all over much too soon. Woody Allen
So, what are your retirement party jokes? Heard some good ones recently?

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