Retirement Jokes.

For Your Retirement Speech or Just for a Laugh.

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Nuts!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Tea Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

“You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon

“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees

“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face” by Roberta Flack

“I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash

“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra

“You Make Me Feel Like Napping” by Leo Sayer

“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores

“A Whiter Shade of Hair” by Procol Harum

“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles

“Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker” by Herman's Hermits

“Talking’ ‘Bout My Medication” by the Who

“Bald Thing” by the Troggs

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Another year has passed and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.

We used to go to weddings, football games, and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral brunches.

We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags, come home, and take a pill.

We used to often travel to places near and far.
Now we get sore behinds from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up... before you're too darn old!

Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Tuesday
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday
Pick up the pieces!

Sunday
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.

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